You know you're the bad house when....

I have very fond memories of Halloween nights of yore. Trick-or-treating was an art form and always completely mapped out and planned well before dusk hit on All Hallow's Eve. I was never rich growing up so I never trick-or-treated in my own neighborhoods, nah, if you wanted the good stuff you had to hit the streets where the pockets were deep enough to fit the full-size candy bars. Chintzy plastic pumpkins and "goodie bags" were discarded in favor of large, sturdy pillowcases to properly carry the load.

I know, I know, as I think of this I am thinking no wonder I have such a strong sweet tooth as a adult! And these sorts of tactics do not bode well in an health-conscious, "worried about childhood obesity" society. (As well, they shouldn't) But back then, we didn't even think about those things. We played outside from dawn until dusk (and sometimes well after) so we more than burned off the sugar from our enormous Halloween stash. Though I probably can attribute a few of my fillings to it.
In any case, during my professional trick-or-treating days there were a few "taboo" treats that always elicited groans and mumbles of "a waste of 10 seconds walking up to the porch" etc, etc.

The following are on that list. If you have purchased these items, there is still time. You have the rest of the day to quickly go out and redeem yourself before you get permanently labeled as one of the "bad houses". Remember, it is "trick-or-treat" so if you don't serve up a good "treat", your liable to get a bad "trick" at some point. Oh, and don't come to my house, we're out all night with the kiddies so I leave the porch light off :)
(But don't worry, I bring the good stuff to all the trunk or treats and Halloween parties to make up for it)

The Dirty Dozen: From a kid perspective


1. Smarties-This is the worst of all the candy slights. Whoever came up with these chalky bits of dust was no smartie, that's for sure.

2. tootsie rolls-Sure they are good and combined with another treat, they are perfectly acceptable. But if you are handing out one single, tiny tootsie roll as a reward for the long schlep up your driveway: cheap.

4. those yucky orange and black taffies-Just because they dressed up barf in festive orange and black wrapper doesn't make it taste any better.


4. dum dum lollipops-I'm going to have to go with the pun again...whoever thought that a speck of a lollipop was better than the real thing was a real (insert pun here).

5. raisins- We hate these things in real life, why would we like them any better with a pumpkin on the front of the box?

6. assorted "hard" candy-We eat these things out of desperation at Grandma's house, but any other day a butterscotch or hard strawberry is not our idea of candy.

7. unwrapped candy-You are trying to poison us and we are telling on you as we speak.

8. generic "no-name" candy-We don't trust this dollar store variety any more than we trust the unwrapped junk. Don't you know what commercialization has done to our minds? Only brand names and labels make us feel safe.

9. "mini-size" candy bars-Look, we accepted the "fun-size" movement even though we can't explain how 1/4 of a candy bar is more "fun" than a full size one, but taking us down to one stingy, little bite? That's going too far.

10. candy corn-We much prefer our high-fructose corn syrup hidden nicely inside some tasty gummy treats, just injecting yellow and orange wax triangles with it is kind of gross.

11. "Super Bubble" bubble gum- There is nothing super about these old standbys that lose flavor after like 3-4 chews. So unless you are going to splurge on the good stuff, just bypass the bubble gum idea.

12. Sweet Tarts-These are just one step up from Smarties and you are walking on thin ice buddy.

Oh....and I almost forgot the worst of all Halloween treat abominations. The Toothbrush.
We know you didn't spring for 100+ of those fancy, cartoon-themed, battery-powered numbers that we use these days, so giving out the flimsy, economy-packed ones is not because you actually think we will be using it. No. You give the toothbrush as a matter of principle, a statement if you will. And how do you think this statement is received? Well, I think the egging speaks for itself.

Happy Halloween!!!!!